Just Saying by Hugh Mackay

Author:Hugh Mackay [Hugh Mackay]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Allen & Unwin
Published: 2025-09-12T00:00:00+00:00

14

Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact

Bertrand Russell

British philosopher, mathematician and public intellectual (1872–1970)

Here’s Bertrand Russell at his most wry. Clambering down from the intellectual heights of his three-volume work on the foundations of mathematics, Russell wrote essays for the general reader that are packed with satirical observations on human frailty. Sometimes they’re simply a vehicle for Russell to indulge his own prejudices, but often—as in this case—they contain some challenging insights.

‘Proud of the fact’ may be overstating the case, and this is as much about women as men—at least, I assume it is, ‘man flu’ notwithstanding. But people who’ve ‘had a bad night’ (literally or metaphorically) are rather inclined to let you know.

‘Woe is me!’ has always been a popular refrain: it’s inspired some of our greatest literature and almost the entire repertoire of country and western music. In contemporary society, it has become a kind of anthem in praise of misery. Never before has there been such encouragement—or such opportunity, in these days of social media—to put your tear-soaked tissues on public display.

Sharing is good, of course … up to a point. Sharing the dark side of your personal history with intimates—or with a professional therapist—can help the healing process. Letting people know when they have hurt or offended you is an important step towards recovery (especially if it’s accompanied by your offer of forgiveness). But indulging in prolonged and public displays of self-pity is unlikely to relieve your suffering. Quite the reverse, in fact.

You think you’re the product of flawed parenting? ‘Flawed parenting’(and I’m not talking about criminal mistreatment of children) is really just another way of saying ‘parenting’. What parent hasn’t fallen short of some mythical gold standard? Philip Larkin’s most famous line, ‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad’, is followed by the important qualifier that they don’t intend to do it but are themselves the hapless products of their own upbringing.

Listen to anyone describing their life’s journey and you’ll discover two things. First, that everyone’s story is interesting—all you have to do is listen attentively enough. Second, everyone lives with some level of suffering—some hurt, some disappointment, some lack of fulfilment and, sooner or later, some tragedy. Everyone. Sadness might come in the form of bereavement, a relationship breakdown, a retrenchment that plunges you into financial stress, estrangement from your own children, a love affair that drifts into indifference, or a friendship that sours into enmity.

All such experiences are powerful teachers, and there’s value in learning to accept the inevitability of suffering, incorporating it into our world-view along with all the other lessons life teaches us—the bright and beautiful ones, along with the grim and challenging ones.

I’ve been struck by the sharp contrast between the current fashion for ‘letting it all hang out’—even for elevating victimhood to heroic status—and the Zen approach to dealing with suffering. In his book, In the Footsteps of Zen, Australian author Lim Meng Sing suggests that we should learn to ‘bear our sorrow with dignity, patience and silence’.

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